Estrangement. Silence the loop!
June 2025
This post is about beginning to ‘untangle’ from the looping thoughts which may occur after estrangement with your family of origin.
If you want to know more about those ‘looping thoughts’ (rumination) see this article.
Debating, replaying memories and events, cycling through old conversations, asking a million questions inside our heads. It’s crazy making.
These are ‘problem-solving’ thoughts. They’re very loud and tempting to engage with because they provide us with a sense that we have some ‘control’ over the situation. If we can simply fix or solve ‘our parents’, ‘ourselves’ or ‘the problem’, then we don’t have to feel all the ghastly distressing feelings that come with estrangement.
However, these thoughts can begin to etch a very deep pathway in the ‘maze’ of our mind. This pathway becomes so worn down that it becomes very easy for our thoughts to ‘go there’, often.
These thoughts are like a radio, playing in the background-noise of our minds. We’re not fully present to them, fully paying attention to their content. This inattention allows them to take some control over our emotions (hello agitation) and consequently our behaviours (ie. We may become snappy with those around us or perhaps withdraw).
It was time to ask myself…
Are these thoughts ‘useful’ in some way?
Do I really need to sit with these thoughts ‘again’? My answer was ‘no’.
But - it’s impossible to ‘get rid of’ thoughts, painful memories and emotions – right?
I really wasn’t sure at that point.
It’s true. We cannot eliminate those things entirely. The good news though - we do have options that ‘turn down the volume’ on those things (thankfully!). It takes some time and intentional practice to make this happen.
What’s ‘key’ to gently beginning this process? Harnessing and growing the part of our mind we call the ‘observer’. This observing and listening part of the mind ‘notices’ when thoughts, memories, images, sensations and feelings show up.
For example.
The part of our mind that ‘talks’, might say “You’re the problem in all of this”.
The part of your mind that ‘notices’ would acknowledge “I’m noticing that I’m having this thought again, the story about me always being the problem”.
And,
This part that ‘notices’ may also acknowledge “I’m noticing my heart rate speed up, and a sensation of butterflies in my stomach when that thought shows up. It feels like anxiety”.
To grow this observer ‘part’, we must start using it:
Once a day, set a timer for 2 minutes. Sit somewhere quiet.
Either close your eyes or gently rest them.
Place all your attention on your breathing. Noticing the rise and fall of your tummy. The way the air feels when it enters your nostrils and travels to your lungs.
Your thoughts will inevitably hijack your attention over and over again. This is very normal.
You want to practice ‘noticing’ when your attention has drifted off into your thoughts, gently observe the thought without judging it as right or wrong: ie.
“Here is the thought about my list of things I need to do today”.
“Here is the thought about this being a stupid thing to do”.
“Here is the thought about that embarrassing thing that happened yesterday”.
“Here are sensations of embarrassment in my stomach/ chest”.
Each time you notice your attention has been hijacked by your thoughts and you acknowledge the thought or sensations (like above), gently bring your attention back to your breath.
Do this over and over again for the full 2 minutes. Repeat this every day.
This process (also known as defusion) will increase the ability of your ‘observer part’ (your self-awareness) while also creating distance between you and the thought. The thought becomes an observation, something we can ‘look at’.
Now we have choices to make.