Are these thoughts 'helpful'?
Difficult thoughts are not something we can ‘control’, but we can change our relationship to them, turning down the volume and giving them less power over us.
Other types of thoughts: painful memories, images and words can also benefit from the following approach.
If I have the thought “I’m a terrible parent”, and I let that thought ‘lead me’ by blindly following along as if that thought is absolutely ‘true’. I’m likely going to feel sad, hopeless, anxious or even angry at myself. This added emotional stress may then affect my behaviours. For example, I might spend my time and energy ruminating about all the times I’ve mucked up my parenting, or I might isolate and stay in bed, or I might even take this agitation out on someone by yelling or being snappy. In other words: these painful thoughts are guiding my feelings and behaviours.
None of which are a ‘helpful’ ways to ‘use’ this thought.
So ‘changing our relationship’ to these difficult thoughts means we start to “use the thoughts” in a different way:
1. Untangle. Acknowledge the thought in the moment. “I’m noticing myself having this repetitive thought. It’s the story that keeps coming up about me being a terrible parent”.
2. Allow this thought to exist, simply observe it like an object. Not obeying it, distracting yourself from it or trying to “get rid of” it.
3. Now, ask yourself, is this thought helpful to me in any way? How can I ‘use’ it?
At first glance you might think ‘No, it’s a terrible thought, it can’t be of any use!’. But looking more closely we could say that this particular thought is highlighting something that’s important to us. That we ‘value’ being a ‘good’ parent.
Instead of using this thought in the old way [letting it dominate our feelings/behaviours], we can intentionally “use this thought in a new way” that could be beneficial:
A reminder about ‘what matters’. (Self, others & values)
Use the thought as a “reminder” of what’s dear to us, what matters. What we care about. We call this a ‘value’.
“Here’s that thought again, it’s reminding me about what matters”.
Sometimes that’s all we need this thought to be. A reminder.
Or perhaps we can let this ‘thing that matters’ - be a guide for our next steps:
Look closer.
Is this thought trying to give me some kind of advice? What matters ‘most’ right now?
Is there something I’m needing? more of? less of?
Is there something I need to “do”? more of? less of? differently? (ie. Do I need to connect more with someone?)
Is there something I need to “say”? How might this be helpful? Unhelpful?
Am I behaving like the person I want to be?
Is something I care about being threatened? taken away?
Action.
What actions or words can I use (within my control) that will:
Help make my life better, even in a small way?
Help me be the kind of person I want to be?
Help me care for myself, or someone else?
Not all thoughts (and accompanying emotions) require us to take action. Particularly if those actions don’t add value to our lives in any way.
For example, if we’re happy with our parenting, but this repetitive thought continues to echo.
We can simply (1) untangle (2) allow it to exist, and even say “Thanks for reminding me what matters”. Then continue forward behaving in ways that add value, meaning and purpose to our lives.
However – If we’ve explored more closely and decided that perhaps we need to ‘connect more’ with our kids, or maybe we want to find ways to be ‘less reactive’ with our kids, what helpful actions and words go with those values?
Both trying to “get rid of” (avoid) or “blindly obeying” thoughts can strengthen the thought pattern (and emotions) and lead us away from the things that we truly care about.
Our past.
We can look to our past to find clues about why this thought may ‘exist’. Particularly our childhood and the influential relationships which existed. It’s not necessary to do this in order for the above process to be effective, but it can provide additional self-understanding, acceptance and compassion.