Anxiety
Prickly, churning and all-consuming. It sits in the pit of our stomach, and it’s often saturated in worrisome thoughts.
Anxiety is on the fear spectrum. We’re usually anticipating ‘something bad’ might happen, or sitting with thoughts of the past when anxiety decides to join us.
When we experienced anxiety as a child, we quickly learned how powerless, small and scared it made us feel. Many of us develop certain behaviours to avoid having to feel anxious, and this was helpful when we were children. It helped us endure difficult situations we had very little control over.
For example, we may have:
Avoided particular people whose behaviours made us feel worried, scared, shameful, embarrassed.
Avoided places where these people would be like school, home, sports, other social activities.
Following ‘the rules’ so we wouldn’t get into ‘trouble’.
Staying quiet / shut down. Not asking for ‘too much’.
Spending a lot of time 'thinking' about how to stay out of trouble.
Not expressing particular emotions: frustration, anger, sadness, displeasure etc.
Being as 'perfectly behaved' as we can, meeting expectations.
Basically, being a ‘good’, ‘easy’ boy or girl.
Those same behaviours may be habitual today because they have provided us with so many ‘rewards’ over the countless years of use.
Ie. I avoid a social situation:
= I receive a feeling of ‘relief’ (a reward), and
= I get to avoid the feeling of anxiety (also a reward).
= Continue using the behaviour.
When these ‘avoidance’ behaviours have been performed many, many times, they ‘strengthen’ (become reinforced). Basically, we begin to feel like these behaviours are ‘essential’ for keeping us ‘feeling good’ or ‘not feeling bad’.
This can result in anxiety becoming louder (more intense) and more frequent. These habitual behaviours may also be creating or maintaining additional problems for us. Ie. Relationships, sleep, financial or damaging our self-esteem.
Surprisingly, inviting the anxiety to stay and join you for a cup of tea can be the first step in turning its volume down.
Support is here.