Boundary Blur: when our limits get lost.
You want to start setting boundaries.
You want to have your voice, state your needs and feelings, and you want to be able to do all of this with relative ease.
Perhaps you manage to get a few words out (ie.“I’d prefer if you didn’t do that”) but then you find yourself retracting, shrinking, feeling guilty, backing down, feeling ‘flooded’ with emotions, thoughts and confusion.
This is not your fault.
Whenever we attempt to behave differently, our nervous system (NS) will have something to say about it!
After all, this is still new and ‘unfamiliar’ behaviour for you, and your NS doesn’t yet know if it’s ‘safe’. It will throw up some ‘danger’ signals in an attempt to keep you using old familiar ‘safe’ behaviours.
It does this by:
Flooding you with ‘thoughts’... (aka ‘confusion’ / ‘racing thoughts’)
“Maybe I’m wrong”
“I’ll get in trouble”
“You’re not allowed”
“You’re asking for too much”
“You’re selfish, ungrateful, sensitive, stupid, weak”
Flood you with ‘emotions’...
Alongside the ‘flood’ of thoughts … it will throw in some uncomfortable emotions: fear/anxiety, dread, guilt, shame.
Emotions = ‘body sensations’ (ie. sick in stomach, tight throat/chest, dry mouth, rapid heartbeat, sweating).
At this point we are feeling pretty darn uncomfortable.
So in order to lessen (aka ‘avoid / escape’) our discomfort/emotional pain, we may experience an ‘urge’ to take some kind of action or ‘inaction’ (behaviours).
Flood you with ‘urges’...
Now you have the ‘urge’ to:
Withdraw. Shrink. Walk away. Shut down. Stop using your voice. (All familiar behaviours).
Very understandable! No one likes to experience this deeply agonizing ‘flood’ or ‘overwhelm’.
One way we can gently ‘dip our toe’ into this new behaviour (boundary setting) in a more controlled way, is to “practice” a ‘new way of being’ so it becomes “familiar” to our NS. Once familiar, the need to ‘flood’ us with all those thoughts/emotions/sensation/urges may diminish.
These smaller internal changes ‘prepare us’ to make changes with others.
This is us ‘re-parenting’ ourselves in new ways. We are 'pushing back' against our current programming / conditioning / current beliefs. The wise, loving, compassionate parent ‘inside us’ is giving us ‘permission’ to have boundaries, to do things differently now.
Place your hand gently on your chest or shoulder. Imagine kindness and warmth flowing from your hand into your body.
Begin to practice new beliefs by saying them ‘out loud’ to yourself throughout the day. Use the 'No' in a gentle, loving tone with the understanding that this 'new way of being' will be hard for our inner-child to trust at first. Remember, we have gone many years reinforcing the opposite of these beliefs.
Some examples:
"No, I am allowed to have emotional limits". (or "physical limits").
"No, I am allowed to express my needs, desires, preferences".
“No, My needs and preferences are important”.
"No, I don't need their approval / permission".
"No, I am allowed to let them be uncomfortable with my decisions".
“No, I am allowed to let their discomfort exist”.
"No, they are not 'above' me or more important than me".
"No, I am allowed to take my time with this".
"No, I am allowed to think this through".
"No, I own the pace. This is not urgent / I am allowed to rest".
"No, I am allowed to do something about what they just did / said".
"No, I don’t have to explain myself”.
“No, we are allowed to feel /think differently about this”.
Important.
Whatever emotional discomfort / sensations this brings up - ‘Allowing’ it to exist inside us is really important: “I am willing to experience this discomfort”.
This is how we allow our body to become ‘familiar’ with this discomfort, so it no longer needs to send us those same ‘danger’ signals.
Eventually we may be able to communicate in new ways with others while experiencing less of the dreaded 'flood'.
You really are allowed to be ‘you’. Your boundaries say ‘I matter too’.
Parts of us just don’t quite believe it …‘yet’.